3 Steps To Overcome Your Unwanted Emotions

Picture this...

We're on an evening flight home from a family holiday in Tenerife. It's been a long day. Despite the length of the flight being somewhat tolerable the entire day of travel still seems to take 14 hours plus. We finally land at Manchester airport and the kids are exhausted. It's been a really long day for them and both Abi and I know that it's not over yet.

I step out of my seat and the youngest starts to cry uncontrollably. Im hot, sweating and all I want is to get in the house and grab a cool shower.

At this point, Im ok. Things are calm.

I grab my oversized and heavy daysack, containing a tonne of camera equipment and my laptop (that I refuse to have thrown half way across the fuselage of the A320), and pick the baby up.

Now I'm sweating.

I catch eye contact with my eldest, who's now influenced by the reaction of his younger brother.

He breaks into tears too.

Instead of empathy, my initial reaction is anger and frustration. I feel myself get hotter, my pulse raises and I almost fall into the mindset of the victim of the situation.

After all, I'm tired too. It's been a long day for me also!

Fortunately, I catch myself early. Perhaps within a fraction of a second of recognising my temper brewing.

Autonomously and without hesitation, I pick him up too. I squeeze them both with a smile. They both stop crying instantly. In fact, they both giggle upon looking at each other.

The feeling I experienced in that moment was incredible. I'll never forget it.

I carry them down the aisle of the aircraft and down the stairs onto the hard standing with a huge sense of pride, reward and fulfilment. They're happy, and so am I. Elated, in fact.

Ive got a 1 year old in one arm and a 5 year old in another. Im stuck in a long queue at security and despite a number of childless adults feeding my ego by giving me the 'nod' they don't let us through the queue… the bastards.

My biceps are on fire. But I didn't care. I was on top of the world. I won at parenting and I beat the chimp in my brain who wanted me to respond with the fight response.

Let me tell you…

I wasn't always like this. In fact, there have been times when I've been disgusted with my reactions.

But that's the suffering that I needed to force myself to change… for my, my identity and the way in which I want to lead by example for my partner and kids.

I am not bullshitting you, but this life changing change in me came from a process and strategy that I drilled repetitively. When I say repetitively, I mean daily.

As a busy dad of two with two businesses, its essential to me that the time I get with my kids is calm, playful, memorable and loving. That also means that its essential to me that when they're having a hard time with my emotions, that I am able to help them with empathy and understanding. I want to be the role model and leader that they need me to be.

I'd love to share this strategy with you.

I've given it to a number of the blokes that I am currently working with, and it's had just as an incredible of an impact with them as it has with me.

But let me warn you… it requires a lot of graft. Not in terms of effort, as such, but in terms of consistency, practise, experimentation and patience.

I'd say it took me around 6 months of daily practise until I recognised its full impact and autonomy.

But if you follow these 3 steps and hold yourself accountable to them, I promise it'll be the best thing you ever do.

Step 1: The Risk Assessment

Just as I would be required to in the preparation of a Mountaineering or Vertical Assault package that I'd deliver with Cadre Group, we should perform a risk assessment ahead of our every-day.

By risk assessment, I mean identifying potential risk, and then developing a plan to dramatically mitigate said risk.

In this instance, I am referring to identifying our triggers and reminding ourselves of the signs unique to us and our unwanted behaviours.

It's crucial that you write these down, pen to paper, on a daily basis. No ifs, buts, or bullshit excuses. Just get them down.

What pisses you off? What triggers you? What happens to you prior to your unwanted reaction? How do you think, feel, act and behave prior to losing your temper or behaving like a 5 year old?

Get it all down

Now, write down how you want to handle that situation. How does the ideal version of yourself respond to that situation? If you were watching yourself via CCTV footage in that moment, how would you like to see yourself behave and respond to that situation?

Once you've done this, go about your day. But do so with a level of self-awareness. Don't expect perfection, but be honest.

Step 2: The After Action Review

Right at the very end of the day, take a moment to be alone with your own thoughts. No technology. No bight lights.

Sit down with the same pen and the same piece of paper and ask yourself the following two questions:

A) When have I been the person I said I would be today?

Celebrate your wins. Recognise the moments when you've lived congruently with the identity that you want for yourself. Dig deep.

B) When have I not been the person I said I would be today?

Be honest. Accept responsibility. Hold your hands up. This isn't about kicking yourself in the dick. It's about acknowledging the truth and giving yourself some constructive criticism.

Consider: If you had the opportunity to relive that moment again, what would you like to have done differently?

Get it all down on paper!

Step 3: The strategy

This step is all about producing and practising a strategy that you can call upon in the moment when you feel yourself about to act in a way that you don't want to.

This step, or strategy, needs to be rehearsed and it needs to be practised. You wont get it right all of the time. In fact, you'll get it wrong, initially, more than you get it right.

Stick with it, and practise. It'll come more naturally and autonomously the more you do it… as the reward you'll experience from using it will outweigh the initial effort required to call upon it.

Here it is:

1. Recognise your signs.

   It might be a change in your body temperature, sweaty palms, a clenched fist, the desire to say something you'll regret or even the urge to walk away or remove yourself from the situation.

   
   

2. Distract yourself internally.

   By internally, I mean not relying on something external like music, tv, scrolling on your phone or even exercise. I mean manually creating a distraction in your own head via something such as tempo breathing (i.e. box breathing), counting down from 10 backwards, singing the lyrics of your favourite song in your head or performing your 9x tables.

   
   

3. Slow down your thinking.

   This slows down your thinking. It helps you regain control. If you can, grab a pen and paper and write down your thoughts as this helps slow down your thinking even more. Although, I appreciate that when you typically need to use this strategy, sitting down to write is likely inappropriate. In this case, just breathe. Slow down. Bring the focus back to you and your rational mind. Don't let that chimp take control.

   
   

4. Remember the mission.

   Remind yourself, briefly, of who it is you want to be. Remind yourself of your risk mitigation, the plan, that you wrote down earlier that morning. Remind yourself as to how you want to view yourself on that CCTV footage and consider how you, the role model and leader, handles this situation.

   
   

5. Act.

   Take action. Be the version of yourself that the future you needs you to be. Fulfil your plan. Remain calm, rational, empathetic, caring, level headed. "Get a grip".

Rinse…

and…

Repeat.

Again… you'll get it wrong, initially, more than you get it right.

But, you will get better. The moments you get it wrong will provide useful nuggets of information to help you risk assess, strategise and act next time. You'll probably even identify new triggers. The moments you get it right will provide valuable evidence to prove that you can be the person you say you want to be.

You'll have to graft. But…

The reward you'll experience from using these methods will eventually outweigh the initial effort required to call upon it.

I promise.

If you'd like to chat about any of this stuff, no catch, then please get in touch. For your convenience, I've popped a button at the top of my site which will give you access to my calendar.

I wont bite, nor try to sell to you.