I learnt a huge lesson from a mistake I made over the holidays

I lost my temper with my eldest over the festive period.

I shouted at him a number of times and sent him to his room.

The reasons don’t matter, really… but his mind had been elsewhere for most of the day. There's a lot going on for us adults over Christmas so I can only imagine where the mind of a six year old will be during the holidays.

I like to make my house feel quite relaxed. Everything is organised ahead of time so that there is no rushing around. What isn't important doesn't get done. Calm is my perception of the atmosphere we create. But it must be quite overwhelming; the highs of excitement coupled with the tiredness of late nights and disrupted routine.

I didn't acknowledge this in the moment. It's likely that I was tired too. I had spent numerous nights building wooden climbing frames and foosball tables under the camouflage of night so that the kids believed that Father Christmas had magically carried them in on his sleigh.

Either way, his mind was elsewhere. This was clear as it would required me to say call name 4-5 times before finally getting his attention, on many occasions.

He was also tormenting his younger brother, teasing him, refusing to share.

I found myself in a situation where I was a touch beyond my, albeit reduced, tolerance level.

I shouted, and sent him to his room.

But he barely reacted.

No reaction to me losing my temper at all. He just trundled up the stairs as if it was a common occurrence.

To be truthful, after having a few seconds to breathe and a minute to reflect… it scared the shit out of me.

I do believe I’m very good, for the most part, in controlling my emotions. Or at least pausing my reaction so that I can think about my emotions at a later stage.

I do believe that I’m present, affectionate and doing my best to lead my kids in the best way I can.

Of course, I can do better.

But his lack of reaction to me shouting left me pondering as to whether he views the raising of my voice as normality. If doing so was unfamiliar to him, then he'd react, right?

This isn’t a case of me being too hard on myself. I know that I do a very good job with my boys and don’t need others to confirm that… rather, I see it as an opportunity to do even better.

My reflections and writings of late have all been about how I can better deal with similar situations without losing my temper. How I can help influence and guide both of my boys in a way that helps them manage their emotions, whilst encouraging discipline, etiquette and good behaviour…

It all starts with me.

To date, the following step by step process has helped me become unrecognisably better.

Knowing that you'll relate to this letter, I suspect it'll help you too.

Step 1: Acknowledge and remind yourself of your prophecy

I grab a pen and a notebook in the morning and offer myself the respect I deserve by sitting down for 10 minutes without distractions and list a series of adjectives to describe who I want to be for the day.

For me, reoccurring words and phrases are; calm, rational, patient, understanding, empathetic and role model.

Whether I truly believe those words during the moment that I write them down, doesn't really matter. What matters, is that I introduce them to myself in the morning and then visualise how my day would be if I were to live congruently to them.

Step 2: Assess the threat

Here, I write down a list of triggers. These are typically examples of past occurrences that have caused me to lose my temper or pull me from the person that I want to be. It's likely that I'll write down the same things each day, but that's ok.

I think long and hard about this, as it's arguably one of the most important steps. Expecting these triggers to occur during my day makes them feel more familiar when they do occur, thus reducing the likelihood that my response when in 'auto-pilot' is going to be fight or flight.

Step 3: Contact Drills

This is where I write a short paragraph to describe my ideal S.O.P for responding to such triggers. It's a plan to describe and visualise how the person I want to be would respond to situations that would otherwise cause me to be the person I dislike.

My process often involves strategies such as:

• breathing

• counting from 10 down to 1

• going for a 5 minute walk

• writing my frustrations down on paper rather than screaming them out loud

It's a simple system that I can call upon to buy myself some time in order to slow down my thinking, assess whether or not my frustrations are valid, and if not, help prevent me from behaving or saying something that I may later regret.

Step 4: The Transition

On a working day, I will perform a transition routine after finishing work and prior to arriving home. I see it as a moment to take my work hat off, and put my Dad / Partner hat on.

It's simply a case of re-reading my writings from Steps 1-3 above. A moment to remind myself who it is I want to be, and how I wish to think, feel, act, respond and behave.

It's a minute to put the day's accumulations away, reset and go again… only this time, with even more focus on my actions and behaviours around those that mean the most to me.

Step 5: Gather the evidence

At the end of the day, I grab a seat with the same pen and notebook and I ask myself the following two simple questions:

1. Can I provide examples of when I HAVE been the person I've wanted to be today?

2. Can I provide examples of when I HAVE NOT been the person I've wanted to be today?

It's a simple act of me reflecting on the day and identifying my thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviours, whilst categorising them as either wanted or unwanted.

This not only allows me to acknowledge and learn from my mistakes, it also provides me with feedback which I can use in my writing the following morning. It offers me the ability to gather evidence to prove that I doing well, that I am behaving in a way that is aligned with this identity I am mastering.

Trust me when I say this, it feels good when you do.

Bonus Step: CCTV footage

A question I’ve often posed to the blokes I work with is now one that often helps me change the course of my behaviour.

It's a game changer:

“How would I want to deal with that situation if I were to do so knowing that I’d have to watch it back on CCTV?”

In closing, I want to acknowledge that the completing steps 1-5 sounds time consuming. However, I assure you that it is not.

Lack of time to do this is nothing but an explanation given to you by your emotional brain to justify why you shouldn't do it… because your emotional brain doesn't like effort and it doesn't like change… even though it's your emotional brain that manufactures feelings such as frustration and disappointment when you act in an undesirable manner.

Hypocritical and somewhat ironic, really.

You don't need to turn this into a novel. Yes, you may overthink it initially… but with time and practise, you'll learn to become efficient with it. Each step, which are spread throughout the day, need not require more than 5 minutes of your time.

There's a huge return on your investment, if you ask me.

I do appreciate that introducing writing into your daily routine isn't easy. It was very difficult for me at first, and therefore I'd like to help you by offering one of my very limited slots to hop on a no-catch, no sales, no-bull-shit calls to have a chat and work through this with you, in person.

If you value personal development, then you'll value this opportunity.

Just follow this link and we'll have something set up in a matter of minutes