Why your troop matters more than you think (how to rebuild it)

There's one aspect of a bloke's life that is often neglected and it is dramatically impacting the environment and culture he lives within.

Somewhere between developing your career, raising a family, and trying to keep on top of your:

• physical health

• mental health

• finances

• hobbies

your friendships probably fell to the bottom of the priority list. And that’s understandable. But here’s the thing: the people you surround yourself with have a lot more influence over your life than you realise. This is particularly obvious when we compare the differences between what we need from the relationship with our significant other versus that from our friends or 'troop'.

Some blokes are 'banging their head against brick wall' by continuing to devote time, headspace, focus and energy into relationships that are holding them back.

Some blokes outgrow their old friendships and struggle to develop new ones with people that help them to continue to grow.

The remaining majority of blokes struggle to maintain or nurture friendships of any kind, leaving them isolated, unfulfilled and trapped amongst the relentless prioritisation of work and family obligations.

Regardless of the group you fall in to, it's important to recognise that, as men, the status and quality of our relationships should be viewed as no less of a priority than our health, occupation, finances, family, education and personal development.

Your social circle (or lack of) reflects your behaviours, your mindset, and your potential. Your current circumstances reveal the outcomes of your recent past and the environments you have been in. Your current behaviours, environment and social circle can help reveal your future.

It's cliche, I know, but you are the product of those who you spend most of your time with or, perhaps, those you don't. It’s not just a motivational quote—it’s backed by research. Studies show that habits, mindsets, and even health behaviours are contagious within social groups. If your friends are active, successful, and growth-oriented, you’re statistically more likely to adopt those same traits.

But there’s a flip side: negativity, laziness, and unhealthy habits are just as contagious. A 2010 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that if a close friend becomes obese, your risk of becoming obese increases by 57%. The same applies to smoking, drinking, and even how you manage stress.

You can’t outgrow your environment. In other words, you cannot fulfil your ambitions of developing your identity, purpose nor achieve your goals whilst being restricted by the beliefs, behaviours, thoughts and actions that have been normalised amongst the environment you have associated yourself with. No matter how much you want to be the guy who shows up for his family, manages his emotions, leads by example, thrives at work, gets in great shape and has his sh*t together, you’ll struggle if the culture of your inner circle isn’t aligned with that vision.

Even if you have connections with people that inspire you, if you don't take the responsibility to nurture and develop them, you wont gain the behavioural, emotional and psychological benefits that are essential to us, as blokes.

A lot of men put the majority of their time, energy, headspace and emotion into developing their relationships with their partner, and so they should! However, most make the mistake of doing so whilst overlooking the importance of friendship and brotherhood. This often creates a sense of confusion and unnecessary demand, with blokes then seeking things from their girlfriend / wife that results in their relationship being neutralised, impacting the sexual polarity and attraction that both experience. This leaves them feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, directionless and unrewarded for their efforts. It's not a nice place to be.

But here’s the good news: you can change all of this. Whether you’re feeling stuck, isolated, or just craving a deeper sense of connection and relatability, rebuilding your social circle can be the key to unlocking the version of yourself you’ve been chasing. And it’s not as complicated as you might think. Although it does require some work.

In this letter, my aim is to share my thoughts on why our friendships matter more than you may think—and introduce some concepts on how to rebuild the brotherhood that will help you become the bloke you'd look up to.

The emotional & psychological importance of a brotherhood compared with that of your relationship

Your partner is not your best mate.

Let me start with this one as it is arguably the most controversial point in this letter.

There’s a deeper reason why having a strong inner circle is crucial—it fulfils emotional and psychological needs that no other relationship can.

Most blokes make the mistake of expecting their sexual / marital relationship to give them what only their friends can.

Here’s the thing: your partner is not your sounding board for everything. She probably doesn't relate to most of your thoughts. Nor does she process information in the same way as you.

Expecting your wife, girlfriend, or significant other to carry the weight of your emotional struggles, share your hobbies, or relate to your personal challenges is unfair. And it can erode the sexual polarity in your relationship—the very dynamic that fuels attraction and intimacy.

Strong and successful relationships involve support, good communication, compromise, empathy, encouragement and understanding. But there's a point at which some people require so much of this from their relationship, because they're not getting it from their friendships, that it neutralises the important differences that give the relationship a spark in the first place.

Sexual polarity thrives on differences, not sameness. She’s not supposed to be your gym buddy, colleague, or your late-night “venting” partner about work. She’s your partner, not your therapist or your best mate. If you treat her like a pincushion for every frustration or hobby you have, you risk dulling the spark in your relationship.

Masculine men are attracted to feminine women. Feminine men are attracted to masculine women. We are different, and thats what works.

As David Deida says; "The false neutralisation, or depolarisation, of relationships is one of the main reasons that couples break up. The rejuvenative charge of sexual loving becomes weak, while all the things that irritate you and your partner remain just as strong as ever. The secret is not to try to change your woman’s irritating feminine ways, but to help cultivate the depth and rejuvenative power of her feminine blessings.

In other words, expecting from her what only your friends can give will be an attempt to change her ways and ultimately lead to deep routed issues later down the road.

Communication, trust and commitment are essential.

Therefore, I am not suggesting that we shouldn't communicate with our partners.

In fact, we should communicate more, as a way of demonstrating our trust, openness and involve them in all of our movements. This, of course helps create trust and security within a relationship.

My point, is that we should do so without expectation. Our choice to communicate with our partner effectively should be encouraged for our partner's benefit, not ours. We shouldn't expect them to relate, understand, share our feelings or have solutions to our problems.

This is where a brotherhood steps in. A close circle of like-minded men allows you to “exercise your chimp”—that primal side of you that thrives on competition, relatability, and shared experiences. It’s in these spaces where you can blow off steam, share raw truths, and connect without judgment. This emotional outlet frees up your relationship to flourish in its natural role, preserving the intimacy and attraction you and your partner both need and deserve.

Your need to develop your relationship with friends amongst your troop adds a different spin to the support, relatability, connection, conversation, fun, encouragement, inspiration and criticism that you need to thrive as an individual. Your significant other can give you variations of this, for sure, but it cannot replace that which only your mates can deliver.

Don't develop one relationship at the cost of developing the other. It's important to acknowledge that we need an ever-changing contribution from both.

I, like most blokes can find myself becoming irritable, short, introverted and somewhat dismissive of others when I am stressed, tired or come home in a work-focussed headspace upon returning home.

I can ask my partner how her day has been, whilst being acutely aware that I am not listening nor interested in her answer because I am too busy in my own mind.

I acknowledge that there have been plenty of times when I've provided one word answers to questions that required more of me, and I've lost my temper at my partner and my two boys for things that wouldn't phase me during times when I was in a better mindset.

When we struggle in our lives, we can feel down on ourselves. We present to our loved ones in a variety of ways, by becoming depressed and withdrawn or, conversely, defensive, controlling, arrogant, and sometimes even threatening. Underneath, however, feelings of shame and humiliation usually predominate.

Here's something I tried with my partner recently, and whilst its only been a couple of months, I feel as though its had a huge impact on me and our relationship already. This one conversation changed a lot for me:

Firstly, the timing was planned. I think any conversation around one's opinion of a required change should be executed during a moment when both parties are calm, content and in a good place. Talking to your partner's 'chimp' will never end well, and you will never get your point across in a logical, rational, calm and understanding way if its your 'chimp' doing the talking either.

The conversation I wanted to have with my partner was around my ambitions to help me tackle future stress, and it was therefore fairly important that the conversation was had not too long after a recent bout stress in order to keep it fresh and relatable.

My point, was to help my partner understand that I don't intentionally go quiet, dismissive nor do I want to be short when I am stressed. That I do so because I am typically problem solving in my own mind and I am often distracted in deep thought. It was important for me to help her understand that this isn't anything to do with her, personally, but a 'symptom' of me trying to overcome obstacles, be that personal, professional, physical or mental.

During these moments of stress, this noisy distraction can often result in me becoming irritable and I am typically more sensitive to and frustrated by repetitive questions such as:

• How was your day?

• Are you ok?

• What's the matter?

• Are you sure you're ok?

Often followed by me showing signs of such frustration and therefore me unintentionally taking it out on my partner. I felt it was important to let her know this.

I explained, that as a bloke, I don't tend to deal with things in the same way she might. That I don't need a hug, a detailed conversation, a shoulder to lean on, sympathy, or even empathy.

Instead, I explained, the support I need involves her understanding and, even more importantly, her encouragement.

Encouragement to:

• Take 10 minutes to myself with a hot wet (cup of tea) in the garden.

• Put my trainers on and head out for a quick run.

• Take 45 minutes out and head to the gym whilst she temporarily 'holds the fort'.

• Go for a walk.

• Contact a close friend to arrange a meet up

… or something along those lines

I explained that in order for me to be the person that I want to be for her and the kids, I need to find a suitable way for me to 'exercise my chimp', slow down my thoughts and take a moment to either process them or find a possible solution to a problem.

The understanding and support that I need from her comes in the form of encouragement.

It is important for me to share things with my partner, be transparent, open, let her in and be emotionally intimate. But this is done in order to help her feel secure, involved, connected and important. Not because of my expectations, but because I know that this is important to her.

As I say, having had this conversation in the last few months, it's going very well so far, however I am very aware that we may have to have this discussion multiple times. I should not perceive that my message and request is transparent and obvious, just because it is clear to me and in the forefront of my mind.

Whilst this has been a real game changer for me within my own relationship, I am also trying to nurture and develop my friendships simultaneously. I truly believe that there are things we need, as men, that only other blokes can give us. It's our responsibility to seek, develop and nurture relationships. Be that old ones that still serve us, and certainly new ones as we grow and move through life.

The Hidden Power of Your Inner Circle

Imagine this: you’re at a barbecue with your mates. One friend mentions how he’s been training for a triathlon. Another shares how he’s cutting out alcohol to focus on his health. Some one else states that they're getting better at turning their phone off in the evening, writing more, and they explain the impact it's having on their relationships. Before you know it, you’re not just nodding along—you’re questioning your own habits. Why haven’t I been prioritising myself like that? What’s stopping me from taking control? If he can do it, so can i!

We all have different back stories to one another. We've all had slightly different upbringings. We all have a different story. We have had different experiences. We all share different opinions. Yet, as blokes, we still somehow relate. We have similar goals. We process our thoughts in a similar manner. We understand each other.

That’s the power of a social circle. It challenges you to level up, whether you’re ready for it or not. It holds you accountable in ways that no app, book, or motivational video ever could. It gives you the opportunity to share hobbies and have fun whilst also venting / exercising your chimp in a non-emotionally controlled environment.

But let's flip the script. Because not all social circles are created equally. Imagine instead that you're at that same barbecue, however the general sense of enjoyment doesn't occur until people are drink. The conversation is, on average, pretty negative and centred around problems at work, political issues, traffic and how expensive everything is. You leave feeling just as drained as you did when you arrived.

It is your responsibility to nurture the relationships, environment and culture of your troop. In some instances, it may also be your responsibility to accept that you have outgrown the one you're in, and that you must find and develop a new one that serves the current stage of life that you're in.

Your social circle acts as your subconscious environment. The people you spend the most time with set the bar for what’s “normal” in your life. If mediocrity is their standard, it’ll eventually become yours, too.

Blokes often decide not to open up because they expect their feelings to be dismissed or that the other person will feel burdened listening to them. But that's a sign of being in the wrong troop. It's a sign that you either need a new one, or that you need to change the culture amongst the one that you're currently in.

Not being able to open up to your friends is an issue. Not having friends that you can open up to, is an issue. Men who have trouble communicating feelings or having close relationships with others are at risk for a number of problems; They take longer to recover from minor illnesses, have lower resistance levels, and have reduced survival times when diagnosed with terminal illness. They are 50 percent more likely to have a first-time heart attack, and twice as likely to die from it, than men with strong social ties. When depressed, these men have significantly lower rates of recovery than those who have close relationships.

Psychologist, Niobe Way, tells us that when adolescent boys stop sharing their intimate feelings with their peers, we see an alarming increase in their rates of depression and suicide.

So ensuring that you act accordingly, amongst the right group of people, is pretty important! But accepting that you need to leave old friendships behind can be difficult to acknowledge and even harder to execute.

The perception of effort required to get out of your comfort zone in order to meet new people, and then spend years working to help those friendships thrive, can be really overwhelming and daunting. Yet, it's essential. As you mature, your core values, morals, interests and priorities change. So do that of your old friends. It's ok to step away, and the idea bringing inspiring, like-minded people into your life can be exciting, if you reframe it that way.

Remember, your current behaviours, environment and social circle can help reveal your future.

But opening up isn't a manly thing to do!

Sociologist George Mosse states that our modern views of masculine behaviour date back to the late eighteenth century in Europe, following the chivalric traditions of the Middle Ages, through the Enlightenment. At this time, the Greek ideal of the human body came to represent the manly qualities of selflessness, chastity, fearlessness, and patriotism.

Times are different.

Among other things, we’ve been called upon to share our emotions more openly, respond to women differently in the workplace, revamp our roles as husbands and breadwinners in our families, and involve ourselves more in parenting and day-to-day housework. We’ve been called upon, in short, to revise our conception of what it means to be men.

A Pew Research report from 2012 showed that with dual-career married or cohabiting partners, fathers are spending three times as many hours with their children (7.3 hours per week) and twice as many hours doing housework (9.0 hours per week) as they did in 1965. Dads’ and mums’ traditional roles are converging regarding time spent on paid work versus housework and child care, though neither has overtaken the other. In 1965, the ratio of time spent on paid work versus housework and child care was 85–15 percent for men, and the inverse, 15–85 percent, for women. In 2012 this ratio was about 70–30 percent for men and 40–60 percent for women. I suspect that has changed again in the last decade.

In part, I think this is why we unknowingly attempt to neutralise our relationships with our partners.

I also believe, that the confusion around man's definition of man is largely responsible for our inability to open up and share raw truths with our friends, as well as develop thriving relationships with other blokes in order for us to get what we cannot from our sexual / marital relationship with our significant other.

When men feel emotionally vulnerable, we encounter a resistance inside, one triggered by societal expectations, both spoken and unspoken, about how men are supposed to behave. It's like a set of unwritten rules, guidelines, set of expectations or Male Code. These rules for men have been in serious practice for the past two hundred years in Western nations, and they haven’t changed very much over this time period.

Male Code endorses a set of behaviours that include emotional restraint, withholding personal information, defending our position, controlling our and others’ behaviours, sustaining ourselves without assistance, acting independently, competing, commanding attention, and being physically tough.

Blokes often joke around with each other to diffuse awkward or difficult conversations, but this behaviour makes real communication difficult. Letting your friends know you take their problems and concerns seriously and being willing to open up to them as well is important. Nothing demonstrates trustworthiness more than trusting someone else.

A strong brotherhood or troop isn’t just about pushing each other to be better—it’s about having a safety net when life gets tough. Who do you turn to when work gets overwhelming? When family life feels strained? When you’re questioning whether you’re good enough?

Having people in your corner who genuinely care about your growth—emotionally, physically, and mentally—can be the difference between surviving and thriving. They’ll call you out when you’re slipping, pick you up when you’re down, and remind you who you’re capable of becoming.

Experiencing this from your own troop requires you to take responsibility to nurture it, influence the culture within it, or make the decision to leave it and create a new one. It requires work, patience, time, headspace, honesty, communication, trust, inspiration and like-mindedness.

My lack of brotherhood

I didn't realise this until around 2021, but when I left the military, I was craving another brotherhood.

I was lacking connection, fun, relatability, reflective conversations, insight into other's ways, inspiration and direction.

I am very now fortunate to work with, and help cultivate, an incredible troop of blokes, in Op Rebuild.

Brotherhood is as ancient as man itself. We have evolved as a species having spent, potentially, over a million years sat around fire. Our ancestry would sit together, often, and communicate, share, plan, strategise, make decisions, grieve and offer support to one another. It’s in our DNA. Hardwired in all of us.

Finding yourself in a period of your life were you don’t have that band of brothers around you isn’t natural, and isn’t good for you, your mental health, your physical health, your identity and your self development. Male isolation is a killer. Over 4,600 men take their own lives each year. A study has shown how male loneliness is potentially responsible for up to 32% of those suicides.

The brotherhood I am nurturing is an inspiring place be. It’s somewhere you can relate to other’s challenges, yet witness those same individuals develop and grow in a way that also inspires you to do the same.

It’s a place void of judgement, societal pressures and unrealistic expectations. It is uninterrupted by the complex and disconnected views of modern culture and wokeism.

It encourages camaraderie and mutual understanding amongst the group, two things that are necessary to help shape blokes into the best version of themselves.

It’s a place where blokes can experience positive influence, mentorship and accountability. Collaborative behaviour not only provides physical benefit, but emotional too. Iron sharpens iron.

It helps develop healthy emotional resilience. Being part of a trusted inner-circle allows for healthy expression and coping mechanisms. It's a safe space to exercise one’s chimp, seek advice and navigate challenges.

Men with ambition often come with a wealth of experience and connections. The network effect from these relationships offer opportunities that you might not find otherwise, both personally and professionally

One of the reasons I became focussed on solely working with blokes, was because I sought a sense of belonging and brotherhood too. Since realising that I was lacking a troop, I set out to develop a new one. As well as creating and developing Op Rebuild, I am also paying close attention to the relationships I have with friends, as well as working hard to network, meet new blokes and putting a lot of effort into nurturing those new relationships.

I also put on events of my own to help bring all of these people together. So now, I not only get to help a great group of ambitious blokes, witnessing their triumphs despite the relatable obstacles… I am also very fortunate to sit opposite some of them, around a fire following a day of challenge and graft in the hills, and carve feather sticks, share stories, reflect, plan, support and enjoy one another’s company.

It’s my mission to grow that brotherhood and offer others the same thing I craved only a few years ago

How to rebuild yours

Mental prep

In preparing for your journey to seek out a close group of mates or develop the friendships with one's you already have, I think it’s really helpful to do some work to help you prepare.

First, start by reflecting upon what hasn't worked for you in the past, your expectations, and what you’ve learned from both your failures and successes. Take the time to consider the following five questions:

• What?

• Who?

• When?

• Where?

• How?

From my own experience and also that whilst working with other blokes, carefully addressing each of these—without rushing—will go a long way toward helping you develop friendships that really work for you.

What?

“What are my expectations for close friendship with other blokes?”

“What needs of mine do I hope to fulfil?”

“What am I willing to contribute to the friendship?”

Your responses to these questions will clarify your mission so you can embark on it with a healthy mix of optimism and realism. Unless we give ourselves the time to think it through thoroughly, there's a good chance that we could miss thoughts and feelings on this subject that we weren’t already aware of.

Perhaps we want a mate that we can hang out with, share interests with, and trade information with about day-to-day life.

Maybe it's something deeper. Maybe we hope for a friend who will fill a hole in our lives; a friend who understands us, to whom we can open up, and who loyally “watches our back” no matter what.

Perhaps we want a person who will help us fill in some gaps in our own “male competencies.” Someone who can compliment our weaknesses. He might be a bloke who is particularly successful professionally, or who has a strong relationship with his wife and children, or who is readily able to stand up for himself—someone, as Aristotle said, who can offer us a model of a “better self.” An example. Someone that can help inspire us and lead the way.

Maybe we want a friend who will respect and admire us, find in us what we believe is valuable, and whom we can help and positively influence in genuine ways.

When we pause to reflect on our motivations for friendship, we may also discover selfish reasons. Friends can provide financial connections, entrance to business opportunities, and other professional perks. This isn't abnormal.

What you need from a friendship can come from your own deep routed self limiting beliefs. It can be influenced by your childhood, your upbringing and occasions that you cannot commit to memory. Perhaps you'll realise more about yourself when you sit down to analyse what it is you need out of a friendship, but this doesn't mean you're wrong for feeling this way. Regardless of the reasons, it's important that you're clear with yourself. It's important that you know what it is you're looking for.

Who?

Before you consider the potential reality of having to get yourself out of your comfort zone to enter new environments, cultures, clubs and public events in order to meet new people, it's worth considering whether there are blokes that you already know that could fit your description. Could it be that you simply haven't committed enough time, effort and focus in getting to know them more? Could it be that your own actions, behaviours and thoughts are influencing your opinion of these people?

Fears of rejection stop men from taking the initiative with men they already know. Often, our lack of self worth is what limits us from perusing connections with people that could otherwise reveal uncomfortable truths about ourselves: The idea of putting another bloke on a 'pedestal' and seeking their value and inspiration is harder than remaining in ones comfort zone, because doing so reinforces our lack of self worth. This is incredibly self limiting.

As you think about whom you might like to have as a close friend, you might start by asking yourself:

“Are there men I already know and like with whom I could become closer?”

New best mates don’t always require an around-the-world fact-finding mission! They may be guys you see in your day-to-day life—at work, in the gym, on your street—but to whom you haven’t yet reached out further. Think about it. A new close friend might also emerge from your past, a person with whom you shared important experiences in childhood, college, or young adulthood. Men, particularly those middle-aged or older, often find that these male relationships resurface at reunions, at conferences, or even on social media. The experiences shared earlier in life can serve as a springboard for rekindling, and possibly advancing, an old friendship.

You may find that focusing on existing contacts is a lot more efficient, however as I said earlier, you cannot outgrow your environment. While making a close friend is sometimes a matter of deepening a connection we already have, other times it’s about developing new ones. Often, friend 'hunting' requires us to expand outside of our current situation, place ourselves in new settings and give ourselves the opportunity to meet blokes that will bring more to our lives, and us theirs.

Looking back, I've outgrown lots of different friendship groups over the years. I don't say that in a patronising way, or to suggest that I am any better than others. It's just that, over time, my core values, interests and ambitions have changed, a lot. How I want to spend my time, has changed a lot. I don't think I've ever fallen out with a friend, but there are lots that I no longer contact. This hasn't just been down to a lack of time either, it's been through my choice of wanting to replace that time with spending it alongside individuals that share and encourage my interests as well as bring out a better version in me. That's ok.

What you need to do, is be clear on the characteristics you require from a friend or troop. How do you identify? What are your core values and morals? What interests do you have and what things would you like to try? What do you like to talk about? What would like to learn? How would you like to spend your time outside of that in your career and with family?

If you don't think that there are blokes currently in your list of contacts that share any of this, nor would it be worth trying to nurture these things with them, then accept that you should get out of your comfort zone and meet new people. Just ensure that you're clear on what it is you need from them. Social science research tells us that attractions between people—including friendships—arise out of a sense of familiarity, shared values and attitudes, physical attributes or personality traits we admire, and the feeling that we are appreciated by the other person. When a bloke communicates traits we enjoy—for example, a sense of humor, intellectual curiosity, athleticism, a sense of reserve, or passion for his work—we may find ourselves thinking, “This is a guy I enjoy being with".

When?

"Friendship requires more time than poor busy men can usually command,” observed Ralph Waldo Emerson. Men cite lack of time as a major reason for not connecting with other blokes. Many admit, with embarrassment, that they don’t take the time to reach out to other men with whom they might become closer. These same blokes also claim that they can see their best friends every few months, or even every few years, and “it feels like they'd last seen each other yesterday!” If you're anything like me, I find myself saying this all the time after spending a couple of hours with a mate that I've not seen for 6 months.

Unfortunately, like with the relationships with our children, the times when we form deeper connections is not necessarily when its forced, planned and organised, but instead during the least expected moments such as in the car when taking your child to school, or when walking around the shops etc. In an ideal world, we'd get that unplanned, forced or unanticipated time with our mates too. Although those of us who say we are time poor are those who will never experience this with friends.

The failure to maintain close male friendships or establish new ones is a critical loss for men at any age. But for men in their late twenties and thirties, old friendships may be particularly likely to be pushed into the background as the demands of work, relationship, and parenting take up more of our attention.

In one of my 1:1 calls with an Op Rebuild member, Dan, we got onto the subject of looking at his relationship pillar when setting up his goals and aspirations. I asked about his relationship with his friends. He looked at me blankly: “When would I have any time for these people?” Like many blokes, he thought of friendship as one more responsibility on his to-do list. But I reminded him of his struggles with his wife, children, and colleagues, none of whom he could talk with about his needs. “So who do you talk to about this stuff?” I asked. He looked blank again, and then said, “You?” “Me?” I echoed. “That’s it?” He was silent for a while, looked up and said, “I guess I could use a mate or two.” A week later, we hopped on another call and he was seemingly upbeat and more vocal. “I went through my contact list and tracked down my old friend Steve,” he said. “We just lost touch with each other,”… “Fortunately, he’s still in Exeter, and we got together. He’s still single and into the same hobbies, but . . . we talked about the things I've got going on. His things, too. Like we used to. We didn’t come up with any great revelations, but the funny thing was that when I went home that day, I was feeling a lot better.” He glanced at me and laughed. “Mad, right?”

From that point on, it was refreshing to hear that Dan made much more of an effort to keep in touch with Steve, along with prioritising the time to reach out to a couple of other old friends, as well as join a local running club with the aim of meeting new blokes too. He even invited Steve onto a number of our monthly meet ups in North Wales, The Lake District and Dartmoor too, so much so that Steve eventually joined Op Rebuild which helped his friendship even more. As with most examples, this resulted in Dan being better at home and at work, which led to his partner encouraging him to get out with his friends more. He no longer felt as though he didn't have the time, in fact, it wasn't a lack of time in the first place, it was the usual narratives such as the inability to prioritise due to deeper routed perceptions of other's feelings, and a lack of personal care.

Where?

Places for blokes to socialise are harder to find than they used to be. In a book called, Where Men Hide, James Twitchell describes the steep decline over the past century of “sacred spaces” in which men have privately convened to relax, converse, and plot to 'take over the world'. A century ago, nearly a third of men were members of some fraternal order, such as the Masons. Today, membership stands at 7 percent. Today’s blokes, of course, continue to seek places where they can connect with each other; Pubs, local clubs, business owner's retreats, sporting events like football matches, days out fishing, or a friendly game of golf. A lot of these places are becoming less available, or they're not the 'safe space for blokes' that they once were. To add, many men report feeling uncomfortable “being real” with other men in these settings, and therefore outside of experiencing some time away from work, they're not truly benefiting from the time they're having with their mates.

There are, of course, no rules to guide today’s man to safe places that might help them to grow friendships.

On our monthly meets, we encourage members to discover places where they can get together with other men to share what is really going on in their lives. In our case, we start out with a day in the hills yomping, climbing, abseiling etc that everyone enjoys. But the trick, is then setting some time aside to be in a more intimate setting and safe space to allow conversation to be a little more organic and comfortable. For us, this is when we get back to the accommodation and sit around the log burner, or when I teach the group how to sharpen knives with wet stones before practising some fire lighting skills as a group. There's something about sitting around a fire that just brings out the best conversations in a group of blokes.

For you, this could be going to the gym, a bike ride, a hike, fishing, game of golf, shooting etc but then making sure you set aside some private, one-on-one time and space for talking during, or after these activities. For example, going to watch a game could work just fine as long as you make some time beforehand (for a meal, perhaps) or afterward (for a drink or dessert). The idea is to share a good time and create an opportunity to get to know each other better. What’s important is choosing an activity in a place that’s comfortable and interesting for both of you. The aforementioned principle requires a bit of thinking, about both yourself and the other person.

How?

Approaching another bloke to get together to explore a possible friendship almost always involves some anxiety. It's unfamiliar and potentially feels weird. Underlying this invitation is an unspoken statement: “You’re someone I’d like to spend time with and get to know better, and I’m hoping you’ll feel the same way.” Reaching out like this takes balls.

Will he be interested?

Will I be shut down politely—or not so politely?

Even if he’s somewhat open, will he already be so overloaded with work and family responsibilities that he’ll not even entertain the idea?

Maybe he thinks he already has enough mates?

Such scenarios for disappointment can force a bloke to feel that its pointless even entertaining the idea never mind executing it. Reaching out to another bloke to share something “real” is a whole other problem as it feels unmanly.

When I organise our monthly meet ups I try to emphasise that the primary benefit of attending is the time we get to spend together. Many focus on the excitement of the activities but I try to counter this as best as I can. I try to reinforce that the chance to spend some quality time around like-minded blokes is what being masculine is all about. It's a form of cultural rewiring / conditioning, one that strengthens our sense of self and the experience of being part of a tribe. Being proactive emotionally and overcoming fears about chatting to other blokes is a challenge worth tackling.

If you're going to reach out to a new old friend, always remember to:

• Clear the necessary space and time to meet.

• Communicate positively.

• Be patient and persistent in arranging a get-together.

Actionable steps

Visualise the blokes you need around you:

Imagine you’re working on an important project, or, alternatively, going through a rough emotional patch. What kind of bloke would you want to share these experiences with you? List the three qualities most important to you in a good friend. What do you imagine a good mate would ask from you in these situations? Are you ready to pursue, as well as deliver, this kind of commitment yourself?

Your troop:

Make a list of blokes, past and present in your life, whom you consider to be your friends. Whom do you need to reconnect with in order to nurture the friendship? Write the names of other men you know whom you’d like to add to your list. Think about blokes whose company you enjoy, who share interests, and who are available for fun as well as help. Also think about blokes you’ve extended yourself to and who’ve let you know they value your presence in their lives. Whom in this group would you be willing to reach out to in order to get to know them better? Write down their names.

Get something organised.

Take responsibility. Accept that it'll require some work, commitment and persistance. Accept that it may be unfamiliar: this includes the feeling of guilt that may come initially when you're spending less time with loved ones. Remember, this is just your 'chimp' trying to keep you in your comfort zone.

Chat with me

I am always looking to build our troop. This isn't the salesy part of the letter, its a genuine offer. If you like the sound of our monthly meet-ups that I offer to members for free then I'd happily have a chat with you to discuss the potential benefits you'd experience in joining us. I can't make promises, but there are occasions when i can offer out places for free because of the lack of accomodation costs and if I felt that you'd benefit from some time alongside some like-minded blokes whilst sharing some pretty epic conversations after exciting activities then I'd be more than happy to help.

Genuinely, I'd love to help

Just contact me via this site or on any of my socials